I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
