It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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