I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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