it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
