he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
