i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
