Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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