I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
