Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
