shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
