Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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