I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
