look no pants
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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