pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
