I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
