apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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