There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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