ya dads aren't the best wingmen
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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