Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
