I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
