Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
