Im at strip club and am horny
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
