I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
