i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
