he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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