She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
