nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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