i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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