i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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