I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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