I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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