I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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