is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
