The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was CRYING into my vagina
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
