I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
