dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
