God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
