Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
