my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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