Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
