I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
