I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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