Just cropdusted the office
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize