Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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