I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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