Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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