everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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