definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
