He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
