I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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