No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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