I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
