tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
