I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want her autograph on my taint
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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