he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
